It's been almost a year since my last post. I never wanted to write again, but why not to change? I was right about this year. I was different, indeed. The only problem was that it wasn't different in a good way. I thought this year I will not worry so much about consequences, that I can be one of those people who act upon their feelings and just ..have fun. Well, maybe it works for some, but not for me. Cause this year, I met a lot of new people, made friendships, but I didn't give much thought of what would really be good for me... cause "I should just enjoy myself" - I thought.
The only reason I'm writing again, it's because although people are so wise, and you can read about everything on the internet, I still feel people don't get enough information. Maybe they just don't look.
The other reason is, because someone feel in love with my words :-)

This year was "dating" year. :))) Meeting boys for tea, invitations for ice creams... just nice time spending. At least..this is how it all began. It's no shame to say, this year I got really hurt and not only once. I had to leave behind people I never wanted to let go of. And that made me think of human relationships.
I got myself together as fast as I could, and the only way I could do that was because of the right advices and right kind of information.
I love my girlfriends.. :) they are the best in the world, they give the best advice, but sometimes that is not enough. I always said that the most important things aren't taught in school.
The older I get, the wiser (I hope :DA

So how do we make a relationship? More and more people are alone, single. They think it's fun, they make fun of couples, cause there are soooo many possibilities being single. Yes, there are! :)
But non of those will ever care for you honestly. Non of those will stay alongside your bed, when you're sick or down. And most importantly...I think being single kills feelings.
I know, cause I've been there. It kills every emotion and you forget how it feels to be in love.
You forget what butterflies mean. I forgot them so deep that thought I got so old that I cannot feel such thing again.

Relationships, I think, are indeed, very important decisions. If you are not ready, it's better not to get into. But it isn't hard to get yourself there. The first very important thing I've learned, is Me.
You have to know Yourself completely with your good and bad sides.
This doesn't mean you are selfish, because a relationship can fail exactly because you become obsessed with your partner. How is (s)he? What does (s)he like? What is (s)he thinking? What does (s)he want? Will I lose him/her if I do this and that?!
A human being can evolve by understanding that it doesn't matter what the partner is thinking, hoping or asking. The only thing that matters is who YOU are, while relating to these things.
Can you accept that man/ woman with his faults and values?!
Many of us look for a partner to make their suffering easier, to escape depression or loneliness. They want to be loved, they need a boost of Ego or they just need sexual relief.
These are things we all have to resolve in Ourselves. Asking for a partner to heal your wounds won't make a relationship last. You have to give yourself the self love you need, you need to let go of depression. You have to make your own persona. It is nice to have someone next to you, but you can't expect for him/she to make the change you need in your life for you.

It is very romantic to say "I was nothing before her/him." That is not true. Everything lies deep within you.
In chemistry 'catalysts' are reactors that fasten a chemical reaction, but they don't get consumed in the reaction itself.
I think of a partner like this. A partner can be a catalyst. (S)he can help you fasten your healing reaction, but it cannot resolve it for you.
We are not perfect. But individually the most important is to try to give the most we can, to show our feelings so that the other will feel appreciated. And to present our real selves.
Probably one of the hardest things to do, to be yourself with a partner. But it's a compromise on both sides. You have to show your real self and the other has to be receptive and analyze it, if (s)he can deal with this on the long term or not. And only accept the person, if (S)he accepts him with the good and bad.
For this you have to know yourself first, cause then you can be sure that you can accept him/she fully.
Give time to each other, cause change is hard and it won't be a day or two.
But I changed immensely these last years and if someone believes you can do absolutely anything with yourself, if you honestly made clear to yourself that you WANT to, then everything is possible to change or to give yourself better qualities!

And for the end... it's Christmas time :) Probably the loveliest holiday of all. :)
Until last year.. I liked it, but that whole Christmas spirit thing was quite far for me.
Until someone I actually got to hate, because of his horrible past actions, decided to ask forgiveness on Christmas. I held in me a lot of anger, but last Christmas I felt that joy and spirit that made me be open and to forgive.
Try to let go of resentments, forgive those who hurt you, cause we all change. And we all can be better. Let go of negative feelings. :) End the year with joy and happiness. (If not for anything else: negative feelings build up stress, anxiety and develop sickness)

Merry Christmas to Everyone !!!

Happy new year 2011!!
It's my last post, because from this year I sense things are different.
So I thought I leave a picture of a blessing & one last quote.
One, that strangely appeared between my e-mails today & the one, that one day meant very much to me:

"Love is patient, love is kind;
Love is not jealous or boastful;
it is not arrogant or rude.
Love does not insist on it's own way;
It is not irritable or resentful.
It does not rejoice at wrong,
but rejoices in the right.
Love bears all things,
Believes all things, endures all things.
Love never dies .............."

Korintusok 13. :)

"Look at us... running around, always rushed, always late.
I guess that's why they call it 'the human race'.
But sometimes it slows down just enough for all the piece to fall into place. Faith works it''s magic... & you're connected. (...)
Every once in a while & in all the randomness something unexpected happens and pushes us all forward.
And the truth is, when I'm starting to think ... when I'm starting to feel... is that maybe the human race isn't a race at all."
:-)

P.S. Worth watching for those who still think high of human values.

Since people still have no clue what relationships are all about or what they want at all in life or how the men & women brain work differently, I want to share some things that don't hurt if people read them. Might get you to think a bit.
These are words of psychiatrists, psychologists and some people who did research.
:::
"Man's primary goal is to understand real love. Love is not in the other person, it's in us. We wake the feeling in ourselves. But for this we need the other person. Life has a purpose when we have with who to share our feelings and goals."

"Everything that you fight too much for will slip through your fingers."

"Can't be with you, can't be without you" - sounds familiar, huh? Many of us have probably experienced once in our lives.
Well, the doctors talk about it this way:
"This is an inter-reliance based on cowardness. When you can't decide and someone is still important for you. The selfish runs after something that he wants. Like love. So he'll become in love with the feeling. Not the person. Gives the other such attributes (in his own head), that the other doesn't have. He'll fall in love with a dream.
After the introverted guy (who's still a child emotionally) doesn't want to mature emotionally and won't accept responsibility for his feelings, after he got a little love, he doesn't want to do anything to appreciate it, because he got enough for a while. He'll come back when he's needy again.
A stable relationship will never be from a "with you, without you" type of thing."

"We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own path and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path."

"No one can do anything to give a purpose to my life, but myself."

"Every human being is unique and unrepeatable- with their personalities, their instincts, joy and their adventures."

"Love has it's own time to flourish and that is least when you want a relationship desperately. In such times your wishes aren't in balance with what you could give, so you couldn't make someone happy. "

"To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly."

"The parents get the respect they desire from their children when they can give fast and strong responses to them."

"The woman becomes a real woman when in every aspect of her life she is proud of herself, cause she has done everything she could and felt."

"The more intelligent is someone the better mask he's using to trick himself, if he doesn't have inner peace in him."

"My self confidence is always the rapport between my successes and my failures."

"Someone who says 'I don't know' usually does know, but he doesn't have the courage to say it out loud."

"The pain that comes after a big loss it's important to be lived out fully & properly."

"If I know I'm made of human, I accept that in my life for some reason what I had planned couldn't occur. In such times I don't try to escape it, but I try to rethink at night what else I could have done."

"Smart-asses really are cowards, because they don't dare to see what's really in front of them, so they try to act smarter than they are to look for escapes.."

"It's necessary for human to develop into an emotionally grown up, independent personality."

"Physical beauty is never enough. Mental development is also required for a person to be beautiful. This depends only on you."

"If you don't accept that life consists of evil as well and won't look in the eye the fact that he let himself be used by others, he'll always be angry at the person by whom he was used."

"We have to find the people who deserve our honesty!" :)

"Who's spoiled by the parents, in terms of self-realization is zero."

"A balanced relationships secret is the offer, which the other accepts or not."

"The woman who tries to fight her wars in life, through her children, has a depending personality."

"Bad things happen in our lives too! There is need to be spoken out loud of the bad too!
Cause if you Speak of it, you Accept it. When you Accept it, you Absorb it. When you Absorbed it, you can Consider it. And after you've Considered it, you can make the right Decision!"

"Happiness doesn't exist for those who gave up their dreams."

"If you feel you're suffering for a love, that's not worth it. Then you're suffering because you are giving more than you receive. You suffer, because you are unable to impose your own rules in the relationship."

"You can only exploit someone who lets himself be exploited."

" When you say 'I don't know"??
Is that 'I don't want to'??? or 'I don't dare to..??' "

"Emotionally winner: accepts full responsibility for his feelings and consistently keeps it."

"(...) then I started to learn that if someone is important to me and I have unfinished things, feelings for him: tell him, talk with him about them, if he wants to until you get the chance to. Life is so short and fragile."

"Between ideas and their implementation there is a huge difference."

"In fact, courtship is complimenting and caressing with hand touching and in words, while you both respect the other person as a human being. "

"An emotionally aloof (introverted, detached, impersonal) guy's sexuality is exaggerated as in number and intensity."

"You can solve your problems only with hard work and lots of energy. Everything else is just palliative(symptomatic) care."

"Not everybody gets to be a man. Not male. A real man."

"I develop my rational intelligence by going to school, my emotional side with the fact that in certain situation I am never ashamed to talk about my feelings and accept responsibility for them."

"Power begins when someone is able to speak about his negative status', moods also. This leads to Prestige."

"I can be a clear headed man only, if I seal- in my past and my present - what is bad. If I don't do that, I go in a new relationship wanting to be happy with remorse."

"Self-esteem is given by everyone to ourselves. And only, if we work for it by resolving the rational and emotional conflicts that are in front of us."

"In most cases men hobbies are an escape from reality." ............

"The selfish man firstly damages his environment, then himself. This is where selfishness leads. Why would you do something to others that you don't desire to yourself??!"

"Very often what we mourn is not the loss of our love, but the loss of the potential love (what could have been). Because we don't truly miss the person we were with, but the person that we thought they were."

"Happiness cannot be achieved without pain. Because change and progress always comes with pain."

"The one-way adjustment is intransigence. In these times you don't dare to say what inside of you, and you let the other do what he wants of you."

"We can only change what hasn't happened yet!"

"Not external things are the ones that make us happy, but our attitude towards things. If we don't have openness in ourselves, even the most attractive partner's beauty will fade."

"If there's something wrong with you & you wanna feel better - take a pill.
You want to get it right? - face the truth."

"The weakness of will - really it's selective weakness. When you say "I'm weak, I can't do that." really you kill with cowardness the possibility of self-realization. "

"Jealousy as some would say it's a characteristic of the personality.
But medically speaking jealousy is a consequence."

"Sometimes I wonder why is that when the man is young he'd do anything to fuck up his organism, but later, when he realizes, it's often too late."

"There comes a time, when you have to stand up & shout: This is me, damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love. I am a whole complex package. Take me...or leave me.. Accept me or walk away. do not try to make me feel less of a person just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be. And don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision. Love yourself, respect others, treat them the way you want them to treat you. And you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you!"

So many things go through my mind at this moment. People, lies, trust, life goals, love.
Every single day as I watch a movie or something I see on the street, just fires a light in my head.... something in that day- at the end of it - makes sense. Like every day has a purpose.
My birthday was a few days ago, I'm getting older, but I like what I see. Cause the older I get, life makes more sense... and with time you start not to search for the purpose of life, but how to live it.
The only way I see worth living it for women is with elegance and grace, for men with respect and manhood, masculinity (strange words, I'm not sure which describes best a man as a real man, not just the gender).I see two types of people: intelligent enough as from one point to wake up and realize that being good will actually do you good, if you TRULY believe in yourself and the things you do, and the kinds that are simple pessimists.. they give up and blame others or bad luck.
I like to observe people. And some give huge inspiration... because I saw people with problems and blaming luck, blaming God, blaming life for their problems and they get stuck, they lose power to overcome their problems. But these people should look at those, who having an actual disaster happened to them (handicapped people playing sports or using their misfortune and creating something beautiful , that even many of us cannot).
And it's nice that you can see how to be a good person, even if your parents never taught you, you can get a book or look it up on the internet and you can learn.
....the point is you can learn anything nowadays. You just have to want it and want it more... because not everyone is born with ambition and curiosity, but everyone is born with a brain, so you can try to use it and make the best you can of it.
It's interesting when you're young, you talk of love (there are always exceptions in everything) like it's "not in fashion", like "let's drink, party, smoke and fly, I'm too young for that."
When you get older, you start to express that maybe it would be good to have someone beside you... but then you remember that you can't really trust someone, cause you've got hurt before.
And sometimes what hurts is that you remember that besides all the partying and flying, love was there once or twice and that was the highest you flew, not some crack you smoked. And most of the times it's too late to try to bring back what you had in youth or the timing was off. Because timing is everything.. in what phase of your life you are when you meet a person, that defines most of what could be.

Lies.. I never understood the point of it. I understand that sometimes we are silent, we shut up, cause we don't want to hurt the person, but sometimes that person deserves to know the truth, cause with your silence you are changing that person's life, (s)he can't make a choice of its own.
Sometimes people lie because they are afraid of showing themselves, which I think is the stupidest thing. When someone likes you, the person likes you for your PERSONALITY. Even though people are all the same, we each have an individual personality with dozens of ways and "tools" to improve it and personalize it. Still people try to be like everyone else to be accepted by certain groups of people, when the beauty of you is being who you are, not who you're trying to imitate.

Me, for example, I write cause I like to think that there are people who actually agree with my thoughts or that a younger person reads it, (s)he might actually learn something good or at least be given an idea of something good.
But many may not agree or might criticize... that's the beauty of the world, we don't have to agree on everything and that still could lead to good things.
I watched Paper Heart..interesting documentary, but one quote captured my attention:

"Life is too short to be wondering "what if?" LIVE !!! See what happens... even if you get hurt, sometimes you can only feel something if you take a risk!"

Idols...
People we look up to, admire.. I think we all wanted, once at least, to be like someone or we felt deep respect for that person.
But not me... I never had idols.
I never saw a person to who I could say that I truly look up to, that they've done something so unusually remarkable in my eyes that I would call them "my idol". I just never thought there was such a person.
I know there are scientists, genius, remarkable minds in the world, but they never got my interest.
At least not like this person I've recently had the luck to meet. :D
And I was sure that there is no justice in the world.
I always had biiig problems with lies.. but I already spoke about this. I hate lies and hypocrites.
But until now, besides my few true friends, everyone was lying, speaking behind my back.
We live in a very hypocritical, self-righteous world. Everybody lies..so I thought I could be truly honest with my close friends and family, that the rest of the world won't understand me.
Then somehow I've got a book in my hands, wrote by a famous psychiatrist.
He seemed honest, he even has a little harsh method of getting people back on their feet, he deals with drug addicts as well, but somehow his way of thinking really caught my attention.
Anyhow.. by some kind of strange miracle or what not.. I heard he was coming to my little city to do a show about intimacy in couples, honesty in the world.
And of course I was thrilled and anxious to see in reality what he has to say, what kind of people will be there, who believe in what I believe: that you can still live honestly and happy. That if you take true responsibility for your life and actions, which takes up a lot of suffering and hard work, it's worth it in the end.
His show was the best I've been at. Finally... one man who stands up in a fake world and talks about honesty, truth, who won't hide the truth just cause it would be easier.
So justice does exist, in a way.. at least truth does. Cause all the people there were seeking for the truth, all of them would rather listen to the truth, than to shut up, be lazy and don't want a better life.
So basically what this doctor says is, that people usually repress their feelings, emotions. For example when we don't tell a person if we like them or not. Or in a relationship, if you don't like something, but you'd rather shut up, cause you don't want to fight or you're afraid of what the other will think of you, if you say it...these feelings will get repressed, and what you don't say out loud causes stress in your life, and stress causes diseases. And there are soo many sick people in the world.
This doesn't mean to fight all the time! This means that both of you talk about your emotions and learn to respect what the other person has to say.
No one lives a rationally and emotionally balanced life, because they hide their true feelings.
And here comes the "pain" part.. sometimes when we say out loud what we feel or think, it can sound messy. This is why people lie...it's so much more easier.
So to put in practice what the doctor said, in my own life, I was almost sure that during the last two years of my life I started to get on the right track, become the person who I wanted to be and be proud of the things I've done. Then I found out that I was, but my feelings were not in place. So I had to say out loud everything I had repressed.
I faced my fears! And that's the hardest part: to deal with the pain. I thought that it will be much easier right away.
And another year had to pass to be able to say that I can accept my feelings and who I am.
I'm learning to grow up emotionally, I'm still facing my fears! :)
And this is missing from schools. We can learn so much, so many good jobs.. people do learn a lot and they become important people..rationally! But no one teaches you how to say what you feel, when you like someone, you either don't even try cause "I'll get hurt in the end, so might as well just be friends" or you try but you are so selfish to have everything for yourself, that you don't care for your partner.
Everybody is selfish, this is human nature, but when you don't give what you want to get, why do you expect to get it anyway??
This doctor is really great, I really can look up to him, respect him. But he can't save the world from all the people who like being in their own mess and denied feelings.
But I can say that living a life where I know what I want, giving all that I am able to, doing my best when I want to achieve something, really changed my life and made it very happy.
How many of you can say that you live a happy life with what you've got so far??
I hope that more and more people with time! :)
In life the simple things are the best, and a happy life has just a little secret: to give what you would like to get! & be open minded a bit too! :D

Predictability is boring! Knowing what you'll get is boring.
Knowing what the future holds...well I assume it would be boring, but a good thing no one actually got there yet.
So there is a question I've been thinking about, I couldn't say an answer for sure until now, but now I think I've got it.
Destiny or chance? Coincidences or everything happens for a reason? Have you ever wondered how is life going?If we wish for something, will it happen? Or when something happens to you that you can't explain logically.. people either say "it's meant to happen this way" or "oh that was just a coincidence."
Well about coincidence..in science and mathematics, the basic of coincidence is probability. And probability is the rational evaluation of coincidence, which means also that it has a very explainable reason for why the event happened. And what you can explain, you can understand. What you understand, usually you can do about, act for it or against it.
So we get back to the fact that we are actually responsible for our acts, cause we do control our lives.
It is a very complicated matter the way the world works or to know why exactly this way.
So there's no need to get into that. But we are here, so we might as well understand one or two things.I think everything happens for a reason. That's how I experienced it, this is the conclusion I got to.I probably mentioned it a few times already, but our action work by our will.
There is this saying that everything is possible if we're willing to do for it.
In my life everything was very good until a few days ago. I was really happy, I was sure that all my past actions, things that happened to me were for my own good. For my own happiness.I still believe that is true. It's also known that a life is worth living happily. Not just running to get things, and forgetting that we should be happy in this very moment.
Anyway, my friends could have said that it's easy for me to talk about happiness and to be joyful, when absolutely everything was going great for me.
And back to a few days now, all that changed.Firstly because I'm sensing for the first time how it feels to work a normal job. I still have the university, but now we are learning to work, the practical stuff of a carrier.
I thought it's not going to be a big deal, but change is good. And what I really like about change is that you learn just how strong or weak you are, how daring you can be.
Another "bad" thing in the same time was that now I have to get over someone..
Cause relationships aren't always happy endings and we have to deal with these things too!
But maybe even this happened for a good reason.
I'm not going to get into this a lot, I have a post about dancing. There what I meant to say was that we have partners our whole life, some are more special than others perhaps, just like dancing. there is a certain person with you feel more a connection, like things just flow, you don't need to actually do much.
Well, I still believe everything happens for a reason, so if this wasn't meant to be good anymore, it was for a reason! :)
There is something better or just different waiting out there for the both of us.
Many people get stuck in a past relationship. I know, I have been there too.
They wait for something that's never coming back.
But waiting and hoping for nothing is just feeding illusions of something that you don't want to end in your heart. The heart is selfish, vain, it wants what it wants.Sometimes the mind ends it, it even seems logical, but the heart won't let go.
This doesn't mean that you have to close your heart, that you'll "never love again"!
This means that you have to give a chance..to things in life you haven't experienced yet!
This means you take time to get better and then give everything you have, because I've experienced when you give all, you can recieve it all.
This is the time when you have to be tough, but optimistic.
Winter time can be very frustrating, people tend to accumulate bad feelings.
But as I see, spring is coming. And people start to go out more, so for those who feel something's missing, now will be the best time to want it, act for it.
Get filled with the springtime's energy, do what you love to do, cause when you start smiling, people around you will start too! :D